...self-esteem....

well....I did feel not very well recently, my life some kind of irritatting...hmm..i got irritated with my life,,,haha...so pathetic...

hmm..have you ever tried something..but at last..u did'nt get what supposed u get...and u r soo frustrated but people beside u dont accept that..and when people are tried to COMPARE u with others..judge u by the way u act...juz because u look so relax and didnt seem rushing or something...

well..I need to be cleared on sumthing...I choose to be here, where place I not supposed to be...I've been 'terpksa rela' which I admit...I nyesal gile nak mati...I do regret till now...I can't stop blaming others because I regret with my own choice...I have to choose..while others can freely choose where they want to go...huh...I got my dream too...if I were brave before...of course i'm not regretting now...seriously....

what kind of 18 years old daughter would act when she can't do what she want??..where the child love to fly freely...then what will happen when u sorrounded by people..that influenced u to be more 'enjoying yourself'..well I'm not blaming my friend because of this..but the tense are there..U need someone to create a Mood..yeah which is someone influenced u to be more...more from others...but typically, I can't see it here...and so...I've been tooo relax with my own world...who need to blame here??I do agree..it's my fault...

But then...what will you do..when the people should understand u the most..fail to understand what u are going through...this the part I can't stand the most..

If U learn something that U dont able to get it..juz because the person teach U something that U need to think of..but U dont know what to think and U don't see the thing that U need to think..finally.. U lost...and even U tried so hard..but at the end...U don't get the result that U dream for...it's so frustrated...yeah...I do feel that way...

IN my journey, I really did'nt regret result in my life..I dont even care about result, because I know I can do it...even so hard, I still can survive..but now..I'm drop..I can't swim and I can't fly...I'm hanging around the corner...in the middle between death and alive...ofcourse I'm choosing alive..I need to continue my dream...I want to...I want to be an ordinary people..live with hope and trust themselve..I want to trust myself that I'm able to continue life..I don't want use others to get benefit..I want to rely on myself....but at the end...I can't rely on both..others and myself...I get upset again on myself...

Maybe..I'm too proud of myself before and the chaos inside my mind..seems like because I've been pushed and I don't ever like the place I when..that's why I look so carefree...actually..I kept thinking that...I came here to learn and he just want me to learn something i dont want to learn..so h ejust need to accept the fact that..I'm not good enough in that field..but later I realise...I'm not the person who gave up easily...I've pushin' my self to the lowest rank...and I need to be on top again...and now..I know its hard for me to get up..because I'm too willing to stay on my critical stage...

now I realise..I'm just ruin myself..yeah ruin my whole life just because I don't get what I want...I'm supposed to be a girl..with the brain..not emotional stuff distracted my judgement...maybe I'm growing now..it's a lesson for me..to be more realistic...I dont want to be ordered by others because I want to order people...in order to achieve it..I need to bare in my mind..I need to focus..I need to success..I dont want to look dumb...I'm a genius (perasan tahap dewa)...I need to confident on myself..I'm good in every way..so...I don't need to act like a fool..and ofcourse I don't want people laughing back at me...because the stupd things I've done...

be brave eim..may Allah granted your dream...don't step back...just forward..let the past be the past..let now be the beginning of your journey...enjoy what u have..even u sad..even u down..u need to be brave..only U can save your own life....!!...:)